Lady Reiner's New Job
by Charlett
Summary: Jade Curtiss hated it when that annoying Oracle Knight Reiner came to visit Dist the Reaper while he was in jail.  He was always the one who had to extract him from the dungeons.  If only there were a way to get Reiner to forget his attachment to Dist...


My friend and I were haunting around the old Tales of the Abyss section here, and we found a wonderful Mary Sue (and by wonderful Mary Sue, I mean terrible character) whose name was Cassa Reiner, a powerful Fonist who was a Malkuth noble and could use all of the Fonons (She was a Fonic Sage!) and could fight and was afraid of killing just like Luke but never could stop bitching at him for one second because she was a whiny little girl.

Now normally I would have rolled my eyes and continued, but her name was literally "Lady Reiner". The same name as Dist's assistant, Reiner.

...How did she *miss that*?

Regardless, I really like Reiner (the real character) for no reason and I thought it was a hoot. Lady Reiner, what a cute little girl, making food, cleaning floors, getting sexually harassed by Dist... it was *perfect*!

But then the authoress upped the ante. Lady Reiner was having fights with Jade, so you know what that means! They will make out soon because this is an original character we're talking about!

So of course I thought of actual Reiner making out with actual Jade and I laughed so hard. This fic is why we cannot have nice things.

If that somehow didn't make you retch or headdesk, then by all means, READ ON!

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><p>Jade Curtiss hated it when that annoying Oracle Knight came to visit Dist the Reaper while he was in jail. The former God General's servant would stay far past visiting hours and just stare at Dist, wallowing in self pity, and the guards couldn't budge him. Eventually they went to speak with the colonel and ask him to remove the young knight from the dungeons, and Jade would sigh melodramatically and drag himself to Dist's cell.<p>

The stupid boy was still there as Jade entered the hallway, sighing loudly as he leaned against the bars and whined. "I'm so sorry, Master Dist. I tried to ask Emperor Peony to give you another hearing, but he just laughed at me. I tried really hard, Master Dist."

"You obviously didn't try hard enough Reiner," Dist said angrily, "Go out there and try it again!"

"But how can I ask them? I don't know what to do…"

"You make them listen to reason!"

"Need I remind you that the last time you 'made' someone listen to you, you ended up here," Jade said nonchalantly as he approached the cell, walking up behind Reiner.

"Oh, Master Jade, I didn't see you there," Reiner said with a sheepish smile after he turned around, "are visiting hours over?"

"Two hours ago," Jade said, adjusting his glasses with a small cluck of his tongue, "Shall we go?" Dist raised an eyebrow at his words.

"Can I at least say goodbye?" Reiner asked, looking into Jade's eyes with a plaintive look. Jade sighed and rubbed his eyes under his glasses.

"Say goodbye."

"Goodbye, Master Dist!" Reiner said, grabbing the bars and pressing his face as far between them as he could. Dist groaned and rolled his eyes. "I'll see you tomorrow!"

"Tomorrow's Remday."

"Not tomorrow then!" Reiner said, waving a bit as he pulled away. Jade watched as the young Oracle Knight stood before him and nodded. "Thank you for letting me stay with Master Dist a little longer!" The young man frowned and kicked at the stone floor. "Dist gets lonely without me, you know… His hair isn't as finely brushed as I can do it."

"Reiner…" the former God General said dangerously.

"And he can't cook very well, and I wish I could clean up his cell, but the guards won't let me. And I used to have to give him baths too…"

"REINER." The young servant snapped out of it, and he chuckled.

"Sorry, Master Dist!" Reiner replied. He turned back to Jade, who appeared to be in deep thought, and the boy bowed low. "Thank you again, Master Jade."

"Before you go," Jade said suddenly, making the Oracle Knight stop, "Reiner, right? My maid has been on maternity leave for a few days, and she'll probably need a few more weeks. Would you like to work for me at my mansion?"

Reiner stared at the colonel as Dist began to rage. "Oh, Master Jade, do you mean it? I can stay here in Grand Chokmah and take care of Master Dist better!"

"Absolutely *not*!" Dist screamed, flailing angrily, "Jade was always taking everything from me when we were kids, and he *won't* take my slave away! You are forbidden to work for him, Reiner, you get your pansy ass back to Daath this INSTANT."

Reiner flinched and looked downcast with a frown. "I'm sorry, Master Jade, I suppose I'll just have to pass on your offer…" Jade interrupted the young man by taking the young man's chin and lifting it up so he could look into his eyes.

"You don't want me taking anything of yours, Dist?" Jade asked, glancing at the former God General out of the corner of his eyes. Dist growled and Jade smirked devilishly. The colonel looked back at Reiner and kissed him.

Dist screamed and Reiner's eyes widened, giving a tiny sound of protest that was just enough for Jade to smirk and deepen it. "You are an animal!" the prisoner shouted, "A monster! Reiner! I forbid you to like it! You stop that right now! I command you!"

Jade managed to catch Reiner just as his legs gave out, and the colonel hoisted the young man up and over his shoulder. "If he's going to be a maid…" Jade said in passing, "He's going to have to wear a maid costume, isn't he?"

Dist's voice cracked from overuse at his screaming, and Reiner stared at the wall, eyes crossed in ecstatic joy. "That was… the best. Kiss. Ever."

"It was, wasn't it?" Jade asked, smirking at Dist as the prisoner grabbed the bars and shook as hard as he could. "You aren't so bad yourself, 'Lady' Reiner. Much better than Dist, at least."

"You never kissed me, you ass!"

"And yet I am still one hundred percent sure of this fact," Jade replied curtly, carting the still dazed, newly inducted Curtiss maid from the hallway and leaving Dist in his cell to scream until he degenerated into sobs and cried all through the night.

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><p>And now my friend and I are actually thinking of starting a series, one where Reiner bottoms out of every important character making out with him sensually.<p>

Pray to whatever you hold dear that I don't become depraved to turn this into creepy rape fics.


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